Amid the growing controversy about the mosque being built at Ground Zero and in light of the 24% of Americans that believe President Obama is a Muslim, the White House decided to finally reveal the truth about the President’s true spiritual identity.
“He is Xenu,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters at this morning’s briefing. “He is an alien dictator who brought billions of his people to Earth in a spacecraft 75 million years ago. He stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. That’s the story of human life on earth.”
A stunned White House Press Corps fired questions at Gibbs, but he dismissed them all with this statement, “I’m sorry, I can’t answer your questions anymore, because you are not clear. When you all get clear, then I can talk to you, until then… forget it. You are all psychology damaged. Read Dianetics. That’ll get you started.”
The Church of Scientology would not comment on whether President Obama is a Scientologist and has repeatedly denied the Xenu story. “President Obama chooses to worship the alien of his choice. We can not confirm or deny that he is a member of our church,” said a person who seems to know people in Scientology but was afraid to state his name because he felt that he may get sued and/or sent to Planet Zeeba.
After doing some research, reporters were even more confused because, according to Scientology, Xenu is the cause of all problems in the world and the reason why Scientology techniques are needed. So, how can Obama be the cause and the salvation at the same time?
Gibbs, “President Obama can do it all. That’s all I can say about that.” Gibbs went on to say that Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley would be joining President Obama and the First Family on their vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. “They are having a meeting with the Sea Org on the Kennedy family yacht,” Gibbs said. He didn’t say whether the Scientology celebrities were going to praise Obama or attack him.
“We told you he wasn’t born in Hawaii,” yelled a rabid Orly Taiz, the head of the Birther Movement. “That’s why he doesn’t have a birth certificate. He’s an alien!” Orly Taiz is now starting a new movement; the Barack Obama is an Alien movement. Robert Gibbs is starting another movement, Orly Taiz is an alien. “Orly and President Obama were enemies on Planet Zeeba, 50 million ago. Orly holds a grudge for a long time.”
Hubbard wrote that Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy. 75 million years ago it consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as “Teegeeack”. The planets were overpopulated, with an average population of 178 billion. The Galactic Confederacy’s civilization was comparable to our own, with aliens walking around in clothes and using cars similar to those on Earth in 1961.
Coincidentally, 1961 was the year that Obama was “born.”
Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections, then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination – Teegeeack.
This morning, President Obama announced his solution to the mosque controversy, “Instead of a mosque, we will be building a large three-block Scientology Spiritual Center. Who can object to that?”
The President said that from now on all citizens on Teegeeack shall call him – Xenu, Galactic Dictator. All Hail, Xenu!
Here’s Tom Cruise talking about Scientology. “You’re either on board, or you are not on board.”
Is Tom Cruise and John Travolta Gay? Facts About the Scientology Members’ Homosexual Rumors
- 5 Comments | email | print
Aug 16, 2013 08:45 PM EDT | Jonathan Lambert
John Travolta wearing a totallyyyyy straight headband. (Photo : Caroline Bonarde Ucci)
By now, everyone has heard the rumors that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gay. But is this true? We have the facts about claims which suggest the high-profile Scientology members are homosexual.
Tom Cruise and John Travolta are totally not gay! And you can tell that because they were both willing to spend tons of money on making sure that you know exactly how not gay they are.
For example, Wikipedia has an entire subsection under the entry of “Tom Cruise,” entitled “Litigation.”
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BTW, You have to be pretty litigious to get an entire section of your Wikipedia page dedicated to lawsuits you personally generated--Which is why we want to stress how totally NOT gay Tom Cruise is. Would someone who was gay spend a fortune on lawsuits preventing other people from claiming that he was a homosexual? Absolutely NOT!
And just so you’re really clear on this, be sure to check out the first paragraph in Tom Cruise’s “Litigation” section:
“During Cruise's marriage to Nicole Kidman, the couple endured public speculation about their sex life and rumors that Cruise was gay. In 1998, he successfully sued theDaily Express, a British tabloid which alleged that his marriage to Kidman was a sham designed to cover up his homosexuality. In May 2001 he filed a lawsuit against gay porn actor Chad Slater. Slater had allegedly told the celebrity magazine Actustar that he had had an affair with Cruise. Cruise denied this, and in August 2001, Slater was ordered to pay $10 million to Cruise in damages after Slater declared he could not afford to defend himself against the suit and would therefore default. Cruise also suedBold Magazine publisher Michael Davis, who alleged but never confirmed that he had video that would prove Cruise was gay. The suit was dropped in exchange for a public statement by Davis that the video was not of Cruise, and that Cruise was heterosexual.”
In case you wondering about John Travolta...drumroll please...he, too, is totally NOT gay. In fact, his insurance spent $84,000 settling two claims that reported Travolta sexually harassed or assaulted two unnamed gentlemen, via GAWKER, that claims:
“Gawker has obtained an internal report of insurance claims made against Travolta's production company, Constellation Productions Inc., showing four other parties privately issued attorney demand letters "alleging sexual assault" within the last year, including the actor's longtime stunt double, his former driver, and a physical therapist. What's more is that Travolta's insurer paid out $84,500 against two of these six claims.”
You can see a picture of the insurance claim here.
Just to recap, these two guys who LOVE to sue people, that are Scientologists, who love to sue people EVEN MORE, are totally 100% straight. Can’t be more clear than that!
http://www.classicalite.com/articles/2398/20130816/tom-cruise-john-travolta-gay-facts-scientology-members-homosexual-rumors.htm
REVEALED: Scientologists’ New Mexico desert “landing pad” for spaceship after nuclear catastrophe
Here’s where ‘Sci’ guys will land
- Last Updated: 7:34 AM, August 17, 2013
- Posted: 1:34 AM, August 17, 2013
After the apocalypse, this is where Scientologists will land their spaceship as they return home to Earth.
It’s called Trementina base, in a remote stretch of the New Mexico desert. Its main building is described as an “alien space cathedral” that sits on the side of a mountain near secret tunnels and underground vaults that guard the written works of Scientology’s founder.
Photos taken by a helicopter on a recent flyover revealed one of the closest public looks at the compound since it was built in the 1980s by a Church of Scientology branch, the Church of Technology.
Photos: Jeff Rayner/Coleman-Rayner
CRUISE SHIPS: This New Mexico desert property is where Scientologists keep their religion’s documents and plan to land their spacecraft.
The two giant circles, carved into the ground with diamond shapes inside them, are the symbols of the Church of Technology and are thought to be intended as landing markers for future generations of Scientologists.
When a nuclear holocaust vaporizes the human race, as church members predict, their survivors will be able to identify the area and land near the three-story, green-and-beige house.
Former Scientologists said hundreds of feet below the house are vaults that hold copies on gold discs of lectures by church founder L. Ron Hubbard.
The discs are sealed in heat- resistant titanium caskets, and the steel-lined tunnels below the house can withstand an atomic bomb, members told author John Sweeney.
One of the few non-Scientologists believed to have visited the site is Tom Gallagos, former police chief of the nearest town, Las Vegas, NM, 20 miles away.
Gallagos told Britain’s Daily Mail that he asked for a firsthand look in the 1990s to refute what locals were saying was going on at the remote site.
“I visited the base because we wanted to dispel the rumors that there were cameras in the trees and sharpshooters hiding everywhere, waiting to kill anyone who entered,” he said.
“I didn’t see that, but my visit was planned and so they wouldn’t show me any bad side.”
Gallagos said inside the compound’s stone walls were several machines for copying Hubbard’s works.
“They were transferring writings, speeches and videos. This vault is like a giant time capsule and they told me all the scriptures are being kept there,” he said.
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