Scientologists don’t believe in having sex for anything other than procreation- which fits with my life-long theory that Cruise has a smooth action man like crotch

VIDEO: TOM CRUISES AROUND THE SEX TALK WITH CONNOR QUESTION ON DAVID LETTERMAN’S SHOW

I was just thinking I hadn’t had a good laugh at Tom Cruise in a while and up he pops in full make-up with mancealer and guy-liner at the David Letterman show in New York.

Eeps. Time to hide Suri in that Anne Frank style attic conversion, Katie, I can smell a pap-sponsored Cruise carrying his daughter around the Big Apple PR opportunity, especially as he’s currently promoting two films.

One, the hilariously titled Jack Reacher(round) had it’s premiere cancelled following the shooting tragedy, so old Tom’s working extra hard.

So what did sly old Dave talk to Tom Thumb about to make him cringe like this in the above photo? Sex that’s what.

Scientologists don’t believe in having sex for anything other than procreation- which fits with my life-long theory that Cruise has a smooth action man like crotch under his pink, frilly My Little Pony knickers.

But Letterman, playing along with the premise that the cult really isn’t rammed to the rafters with brainwashed freaks and they’re all like everyone else, asked Tom if he’d had ‘the talk’ with son Connor.

A normal person with a 17-year-old would answer that there’d been no need to mention birds or bees these days, as thanks to the internet his teenager’s fully able to explain everything from the active ingredients in fisting gel to the general etiquette when indulging in bukkake.

Not Tom though, his weird and awkward answer was that he never really brings it up because if he tries to talk to Connor about it his friends want to know what he said. Eh? Is this 1960 or something?

What Cruise doesn’t know is that if that were true, all they’d mean was not that they wanted sex details from Mr. Button Mushroom cock himself, they’d be wondering if thewhole Cleveland Steamer thing was true, if he really interviews his girlfriends before dating them and what Tom’s explanation for the time Connor walked into the basement and found his dad with a red ball gag in his mouth and a gimp suit on was.

IS TOM CRUISE GAY - DOES THE POPE SHIT IN THE WOODS?

Cutting right to the chase, Thomas Mapother Cruise has been dogged by gay rumours for years. So is he? The very short answer is no, not these days anyway. Tom is pretty much asexual, so brainwashed by Scientology auditing sessions that I doubt he’s even got it up in years.

The cult teaches that sex is to be used only for pro-creation and I know for a FACT that the couple sleep in separate hotel rooms when they travel. The Mission Impossibleactor might also have his work cut out should Scientology leader David Miscavige ever decide that Katie must have another baby. How do I put this delicately?  - You can bet your last pair of built-up heeled men’s shoes that if ever Katie’s offered a plate of button mushrooms at a dinner party, she side-eyes Tom accusingly and wishes she’d politely declined when she was offered the chance to sell her soul to the Scientologists in return for worldwide fame.

TOM: THERE'S TOO MUSH ROOM IN MY TROUSERS, KATIE

Yep, I hear that there’s a some serious action man crotch going on down there, so no wonder Nicole Kidman f-cked her chauffeur out of desperation shortly before the marriage ended in divorce. However, right at the star of Tom’s career as, fittingly, an action man he DID ask a PR I know that was looking after him when he was on a press tour of Australia to take him on a tour of Sydney’s gay clubs. So there you go – a classic Hollywood case of: Bi now, Sci later… *waves at John Travolta*.

TOM'S AN ACTION-MAN: NO SEX, PLEASE, WE'RE SCIENTOLOGISTS

What else? Tom and Katie do not see each other as much as people might imagine. With a marriage contract negotiated ahead of the happy day by her lawyer father Martin Holmes Senior, Miss Holmes does not have such a bad day job really. – Get paid millions to play the role of someone’s wife, show up at the occasional Oprah show and smile like the Mona Lisa when he starts couch-jumping and you don’t even have to f-ck him. Famously, Scar-Jo was offered the role first and turned it down, later telling a stylist at a dress fitting: ‘Like I’d marry someone who wouldn’t f-ck me!’. But Katie was flat-broke when she got the casting call from Tom’s people- her dented BMW was full of rubbish and dents and she hadn’t had any work since navel-gazing at Dawson’s Crack. I’m pretty sure that Katie faked her pregnancy with Suri and that they used a willing Scientology surrogate. She looks like Katie, so they possibly used her eggs though.

As to whether the couple love each other, well they don’t hate each other. A source in Hollywood says that Katie and Tom were “two lonely souls who connected on some level”. That level was Tom’s cheque book and Katie’s bank account, but let’s not split Scientology heirs here.

KATIE: STILL SMOKES, BUT CAN'T SCIENTOLOGY CURE ALL ADDICTIONS?

Katie still smokes, doesn’t believe in Scientology or go to brain-washing “classes” and spends a lot of her free-time at her own apartment in New York working on her clothing line- Holmes and Yang. She’ll no doubt show up in one of these self-designed horrors at Sunday’s ceremony.

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?: TOM AND DAVID HAVE GOT A LOT OF BOTTLE

Her and Victoria Beckham are no longer friends, Tom felt that the Beckhams were all give and no take and used them to clamber onto the American A-list when they first moved to LA. I’d love to see the Cruise’s good friend Jennifer Lopez (her dad’s a Sci) show up wearing one of Katie’s designs on Sunday to stick it to Posh for basically calling her fat in 2010.

“My dresses are for women of all different shapes and sizes. Actually, the one I tried on yesterday was the one Jennifer wore. Who’d have thought I’d be the same size as Jennifer Lopez!” a breathless Vicky told 10 magazine at the time.

Watch out for bitchy looks being thrown back and forth between the Katie/ J-Lo camp and Posh at the Vanity Fair magazine OSCARS after-party.

And what will action-man Cruise be doing? Why rubbing his smooth crotch all up on Caspar Smart and David Beckham as he sits on their laps while their women are distracted.

Bonus J-LO factoid? Sitting in the bar of the Hotel Roma in Rome with Cruise, Marc Anthony and a few other hangers on the evening before the Cruises’ wondrous nuptials, La Lopez’s cellphone kept going off. She had the theme song from SEX AND THE CITY as her ring-tone.